Three score and four years ago my parents brought forth on this continent a new child. The child was me, and I grew into a quiet, passive, introspective, and sometimes intolerant adult whose pursuit of happiness is often interrupted by minor annoyances. I've come to realize that the only things I have to fear are idiots themselves. However, when I ask not what my country can do for me, but what I can do for my country, the answer is simple. I shall use my formidable presence in the blogesphere to reach literally tens of people in a campaign against the ridiculous. Consider this my official bid for the presidency.
Once elected, my first order of business will be to abolish the production of garters. Not the type that serve a purpose, like holding up an elderly English gentleman's socks, and you can even keep your Victoria's Secret boudoir versions because they're not really hurting anyone. In some cases I'm sure they're helping. What I'm talking about are those satin and lace abominations that are peddled to brides and girls who buy prom dresses. Those two demographics do not need another piece of fabric to feel obligated to spend too much money on. And while I admit that at my own wedding I fell victim to the suggestive cutesiness perpetrated by the garter tradition, the only real good that came out of it was this:
Okay. Wait a minute. In the fashion of a true politician, I'm going to flip flop on this issues just a little. Brides can keep their garters when I'm president because there's a considerable amount of joy that I get from the memory of the little guy pictured at left doing the worm with a garter on his head at the center of a circle of my dancing loved ones. However, there is NO reason high school girls should purchase garters. It's gross. And dumb. And as soon as I can get the appropriate legislation passed, it'll be illegal.
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| Dance Machine: The Morning After |
Okay. Wait a minute. In the fashion of a true politician, I'm going to flip flop on this issues just a little. Brides can keep their garters when I'm president because there's a considerable amount of joy that I get from the memory of the little guy pictured at left doing the worm with a garter on his head at the center of a circle of my dancing loved ones. However, there is NO reason high school girls should purchase garters. It's gross. And dumb. And as soon as I can get the appropriate legislation passed, it'll be illegal.
As part of my Anti-Disgusting Initiative, I will also focus on removing abhorrent words from the English language. Clearly, the word moist will be the first to go. You can find a better way to describe the delicious cake you just ate, and if you can't, my party promises a thesaurus for every household. Words like musk, berth, squirt, salve, and pert are just a few on this ever-growing list of terms, many of which are so repulsive that the simple act of speaking them is enough to trigger the gag reflex...I'm looking at you, flaccid.
And while we're on the subject of words, once elected, I promise to lobby for legislation that targets pretentious pronunciators. People who pronounce mature "matOOr" or negotiations "negoSEEations" will be fined $5,000 and, in extreme cases, subject to imprisonment until they can be properly rehabilitated.
And while we're on the subject of words, once elected, I promise to lobby for legislation that targets pretentious pronunciators. People who pronounce mature "matOOr" or negotiations "negoSEEations" will be fined $5,000 and, in extreme cases, subject to imprisonment until they can be properly rehabilitated.
This is the kind of change I can believe in. I hope you can, too.
See you at the polls.
