Lesson Learned

Recently we unearthed an old essay written by the one and only Neil Coulter circa 1995. We're talking about senior year of high school Neil Coulter. It would be fair to say that 1995 Neil was suffering from a bad case of senioritis and operating under a heavy dose of teen angst. It would also be safe to assume that he wrote the glorious geographical analysis of China, pictured below, in under five minutes. I would guess he started and finished this assignment during the five minute passing period between classes. How would I know such a thing? Well, I teach high school kids. And even if I've never assigned an essay about China, I have, in fact, read this sort of essay many, many times before. And I know the type of kid who writes this sort of drivel; He's the kid who cares about his grade just enough to turn something in, but pays no regard to the quality of his work. It's the type of essay that has hand-writing that gets progressively worse as time runs short. It has no beginning, no ending, and no real facts or support; it's a filled up sheet of paper and a hopeful attempt at squeezing out a couple of measly assignment points. As a seasoned veteran, I'm never shocked when I receive an essay of such poor quality. What I will forever be surprised about, though, is that I ended up happily married to one of "those kids." Before I get too far into this, let's all take a moment to bask in the glory that is "CHINA" by Neil Coulter:  

So, now you're thinking, "Wow! I'm sure glad I don't work in one of "dirty" China's "several" rice fields. That wouldn't be very "glamorous" at all!"  Or maybe you're wondering what happened with Neil's friend Jacob's "very nice" Chinese girlfriend.  You know, the one who spent all that time teaching Neil how to speak and write in Chinese.  If she would have stuck around a little longer maybe Neil could have learned and shared even more riveting facts about Chinese culture!

Yes, making jokes at 1995 Neil's expense is very entertaining, but it's time to set the record straight.  This essay deserves the failing grade that it received.  Actually, in my professional opinion, it probably deserves a 0/20 points instead of a 5/20 (which, if you look closely, was originally a 7/20 before the teacher thought better of it).  It's nothing but a big, fat, unsupported generalization topped off with a lie that only a smart-aleck of Neil's magnitude could pull off.  That's right, folks.  I know the aforementioned Jacob, and I can confirm that his nice Chinese girlfriend never existed.  And, for the record, a plus sign sandwiched between two backwards parentheses does not a Chinese symbol make.  I would be willing to bet, however, that during the last feverish minute of this essay's composition, Jacob sat down next to Neil and that the last paragraph resulted in a good laugh from both parties involved.

So, how does 1995 Neil stack up to 2012 Neil?  Well, 2012 Neil cares a great deal about the quality of his work and he works harder than any other person I know.  Does that mean that if given the chance to warp back to 1995 that he would produce the A+ version of this essay that he is most certainly capable of?  Probably not.  2012 Neil will still do anything, and I mean anything, to illicit a laugh from the people he loves.   I'm guessing that the laughter and subsequent story that came from the last paragraph of his essay is still worth the 5/20 for Neil.  And, even though this essay (and the handful just like it that show up on my desk every year) makes the teacher in me shake my head, sigh heavily, and lament wasted opportunity, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't laugh until I cried when I read this slacker-tastic masterpiece.  Of course, it's easy to find the humor in it because I know Neil turned out all right in the end, but when I'm reading similar essays submitted by my own students, it's not quite as hilarious.  In fact, it's often infuriating, especially when it's from the kid who I KNOW has the capacity to do well.  It's at this point in the grading process, when my frustration level has prompted me to consider another line of work, that I have to stop and consider my options.  

Option #1 - Give this kid the zero he deserves and prove to him that his teacher isn't quite as stupid as he believed her to be.

Option #2 - Consider the student's situation.  Does he have someone at home making sure he's doing well?  Are there worries in this kid's life that are more pressing than a silly essay for English class?  

Let me let you in on a little secret.  If your teacher chooses option #1, it means that you've been a real jerk.  Consistently. Irrevocably. However, if she chooses option #2, it means that somewhere along the line you've given her a glimpse of your potential.  It means that she recognizes that just because some kids aren't good at being students, it doesn't mean they're not good at being people.  This teacher will still give you the F you deserve, but instead of 0/20 she will give you a 7/20...Then she'll remember that you blatantly lied about your ability to speak and write in Chinese, and she'll change the 7 to a 5.  Because you deserve something.  Because it's complicated to be a teenager.  Just like it's sometimes complicated to be a teacher.